Wanted: Replacement Body Parts

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I woke up recently and came to the conclusion that several parts of my body have already retired.   I’m really not sure when it happened, and I’m really not complaining about it.

I know that this is an inevitable part of aging. It’s just that I am 59 years old, and having parts of my body living in some retirement community and acting like they’re 80 makes the start of the day a little more difficult and definitely more noticeable. Of course, now that I think about it, maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen. Maybe the stiff neck and aching back and swollen fingers are supposed to remind me to take notice of myself. Maybe it’s one of nature’s post-its.

Speaking of a stiff neck…I can’t find a pillow that works, and I really don’t want to hear suggestions about “the perfect one.” I’ve tried them all. I’ve come to a conclusion about that, too. My 59 year old neck just doesn’t sleep well anymore. It also doesn’t like to turn and look behind when I’m backing up in my car, it doesn’t like looking down at my tablet for long periods of time, and it doesn’t like carrying my head around. It’s done. It’s had enough. It’s one of my body parts that has relocated to Palm Springs.

I suspect my feet are next.

I overheard them making reservations at a Maui resort.

Mystery In The Shower

It was 5:00 am and still dark out. My household was asleep, except for one of our cats who was pounding on the bedroom door.  I walked into the bathroom, peed, brushed my teeth, took my morning medications and turned on the shower. I stepped in as soon as it heated up, got under the hot water, felt the “ahhhh” of the moment, went to grab the shampoo, and there it was. Much to my surprise, a paper clip that had been bent open was sitting on the ledge inside the shower. I wanted to scream out, “What the hell is a bent paper clip doing in the shower,” but everyone was asleep. I was left to solve the mystery myself

I looked around to see what it could have possibly been used for. Something with the drain? I can’t see what. Something with the shower head? I really don’t think so.

I decided that there were only two things I could do:

1) Wait until someone wakes up and ask.

2) Ask my followers (and others) on WordPress.

I opt for number two.

So here is the question: Why the hell was there a bent paper clip in my shower?

Soap Is Not Self-Cleaning

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I never play the lottery, but I always want to win, and I get pissed off when I don’t. Here’s my logic. I know that the chances of my winning are slim to none, which leads me to believe that it would be a waste of my dollar to purchase a ticket. Since a dollar basically buys you a fantasy, and since I already have plenty of those, I conclude that it would not be wise for me to play. Nevertheless, it pisses me off that I don’t win.

This is one of many things that piss me off. It pisses me off that the best tasting food is the worst for me. It pisses me off that a soap is not self-cleaning. It pisses me off that the town I live in just made me buy a new tree, plant it in my yard (because I had to take one down) and is now telling me I can’t water it because there’s a drought. It pisses me off that age 60 is the new 40, size 6 is the new 14, orange is the new black, and brown is the new green. (Remember the drought.)

So I’m not going to purchase a lottery ticket.

(But I still think I should win.)

My Cat, Fake Plants and Oprah Winfrey.

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My seven year old cat developed kidney failure, and we recently had to make the painful decision to put her down. Here’s what was interesting about this cat: she tried to eat fake plants. Our model townhouse came with a virtual forest of fake plants, most of which were given to some man with a pickup truck who saw our posting on Craig’s List. (We were anxious to dump the forest and, in typical Craig’s List fashion, someone else wanted it.) We did, however, decide to keep a few for some strategic locations, such as the top of the kitchen cabinets and alongside our soaking tub in the master bath.

So what did our cat do? She tried to eat the fake plants. I’d periodically glance her way and find her trying to chew the plastic leaves. I never quite figured out if she was stupid, rebellious, or just plain comedic. Actually, now that I think about it, I may have been the one who was stupid, rebellious and comedic for having fake plants in my house.

(It just occurred to me that perhaps I need to apologize to the fake plant industry for disparaging their product. Flashes of Oprah and the meat industry are entering my brain.)

Fake plant industry: please don’t sue me. I really couldn’t handle it. My cat just died, and my spouse just told me that I either need to get a new pet or have a hysterectomy.

This is not a good sign.

I Admit That I Am Powerless Over Smushing And My Life Has Become Unmanageable.

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I was walking to my car yesterday, and I stepped on a blue M&M. I did it intentionally. I wanted to see it smush chocolate. And as I watched myself do this…I have an inner surveillance camera watching my every move…I started to laugh. Here’s why. Who thinks about these things? Would anyone else actually walk down the street and intentionally obliterate a blue M&M?

I’m sure that my inner life is not that much different from other peoples’ but…I repeat this with all sincerity…who thinks about these things?

Do you laughable thoughts or am I the only one?

(Note to self: must Google “M&M smusher” to see what comes up.)