To Fart or Not To Fart: My Father’s Gas (The Sequel)

crop dusting

I recently shared my pebble-snorting adventure with a friend of mine who is a professional writer.  I had to include the word “fart” as I shared the story with her because it felt like a necessary part of the tale I was telling.  My writer/friend objected. She told me my story was publishable but certainly not with the word “fart” written into it, especially if I wanted to publish in a local newspaper.  “Could you think of another way of saying it?” she asked me.  While it was never my intention to do anything with my ramblings, it did get me thinking about fart synonyms, and it made me realize that I have a limited repertoire of flatus descriptors. I found myself getting a little obsessed with this fact, so I did what any intellectually curious citizen would do. I went to Google and did a fart search.

Let me just say that periodically I stand back and question my own mental status when I find myself typing words like “fart” into Google’s search engine. Yet, once I did it, I confess that I found the results rather startling.

Much to my surprise, there were pages and pages of fart synonyms on Google.  There were fart jokes and fart sounds and fart definitions and directions for igniting farts for any pyromaniacs among us. There were even fart question-and-answer boards. Basically, there was an entire community on the internet fascinated by flatulence.

Google was generous in supplying me with the conversational pieces that would delight potential readers.  While I’m sure that most people have heard about “breaking wind” or “cutting the cheese,” I’m not so certain that they are familiar with “booty burps” or “butt trumpets.” And I’m sure they know nothing about “air biscuits”, “low flying ducks” or “buying a bowel from Vanna?” I will surely be able to impress airplane travelers when I inform them that “crop-dusting” is the term used when folks pass gas while walking down the aisle of an airplane.

I can’t wait to share all this information with my writer/friend. How proud she will be of me that I followed up on her suggestion. For now, though, you must excuse me. I feel a tail wind starting to pick up.

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